Category: Blog

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. VIII

As much as I do feel like I stand alone… I do have some amazing people in my life.

My parents have been there for me throughout it all.  They have given me courage, wisdom, and support to keep my feet planted and to allow me to move forward with positive change in my life.

My brothers (and their ladies) have helped me see the truth.  They have taught me not to settle for just anyone.  They have helped me grow into a more understand person with how I should see myself, and for what type of person would be better for me than the ones I kept chasing after.

My best friend has been there for me for many many years.  Although, I know at times I haven’t been there for her, she continues to be a great person in my life.  One which I love dearly and will always be there for me no matter the situation.  I am grateful for her and her kindness.  I am grateful for her daughter, which has taught me how beautiful and loving children are.  I am grateful for her family that has never once judged me and has loved me for the person I am.

My other great friends… I am blessed to have you in my life.  You all have been there for me more than you know you have.  I love each and every one of you, and I hope our friendship continues to grow!

To all my Facebook and Twitter friends… Well… lol.

Again… I am blessed with many people that have walked into my life.  I love each and everyone of you, and I am grateful for what you have done to help me with my life.  I only hope that I can return the favor, as much, when you are in a difficult situation.

To Be Continued…

robert1ee

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. VII

This topic gets a bit deeper into my bodies physics; however, I feel that it is a great subject to continue my “A Glimpse Into My Life…” series…

The continued blog is a very personal issue… and for me to talk openly about this issue, is something I have become comfortable with.  I hope to educate some people that may not know about this condition, or may have this condition but didn’t know what it was/is…

A medical condition where a man can not ejaculate (finish) during sexual intercourse is called Delayed Ejaculation.  This condition exist in many men throughout the World.  Some are born with it, some acquire it over time… but the issues can become a serious breaking point in many relationships.

Symptoms of said condition:

  1. Takes longer than 30 minutes to “climax”.
  2. You cannot “climax” during sexual intercourse.
  3. Can “climax” only when masturbating or sometimes oral.

Delayed orgasm is divided into the following types based on symptoms:

  • Lifelong vs. acquired. With lifelong delayed ejaculation, the problem is present from the time a male reaches sexual maturity. Acquired delayed ejaculation occurs after a period of normal sexual functioning.
  • Generalized vs. situational. Generalized delayed ejaculation isn’t limited to certain sex partners or certain kinds of stimulation. Situational delayed ejaculation occurs only under certain circumstances.

Causes to How This Can Happen…

Physical Causes

  1. Birth defects
  2. Spinal injury
  3. Heart surgery

Psychological Causes

  1. Depression
  2. Stress
  3. Anxiety about performance

Medications and Other Causes:

  1. Antidepressants
  2. High Blood Pressure Meds
  3. Alcohol (too much of it in your system)
  4. Drugs (illegal)

Every since 9th grade… I have experienced this.  It has its blessing, and it has its problems.  For starters… I can’t accidently get a lady pregnant. I can “perform” for hours without needing breaks except to catch our breaths. However, because many ladies are insecure, they start to assume it is their “performance” that is terrible.  And because of this terrible “performance”, I have relationships end thinking that they couldn’t satisfy me.

Truth be told… I have always been satisfied/satisfying, this has never been a problem.  It is hard to tell a lady; however, that this doesn’t result from their “lack of experience” that they believe, that it is actually a personal issue/condition that I have.

I have learned to live with my condition, and even joke about it from time to time to close friends and/or relationships I have had.  However, when asked if I’ll be having kids anytime soon… that is when I usually get serious and say “doubtful”.  Most don’t know, including my parents, that I have had this condition for such a long time; however, I do hope this will answer some of their questions on why my ex-wife and I never did have children.

Will I ever have children? I do hope so.  I love kids.  I would love to have the responsibilities that come with them.  I would love to be a father, a daddy.  Because of my condition, most likely I’ll have to go through special measures to have one; however, if the partner is right and we have the right chemistry, then you never know…

To Be Continued…

-robert1ee

The Truth Hurts… Or Does It?

Many people tell you that the truth can hurt… but how much does it really hurt compared to a non-truth/lie?

I have been lied to and I have lied many times throughout my young life.  For people to not mention or tell the truth, in a way, has almost become acceptable.  It seems, people would rather hear a very good lie than to hear the truth.  People, in fact, have become scared of the truth, for what it can do to their life, emotions, and appearance.  As I have grown, I have become more concerned about the effects of the lie being told over the effects of the truth being told.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”  ― Mark Twain

Mark Twain couldn’t have said it better.  When you mention a lie, you then have to remember how you said/told this lie.  In most cases, you also then have to make up more lies to go with the first lie.  Before you know it, you are up Shits Creek, without a paddle, and confused how you get in this predicament in the first place.

If one would live by the truth, one would have no worries.  Now… I’m not saying life will be fine and dandy.  Trust me, telling the truth won’t get you as far with a situation as telling a lie.  You lie to try to protect the truth, in hopes, that the lie will allow the current situation to be resolved and your relation with this person(s) will continue.  Lies will always begin to show their truths; however, and you will then be faced with more drama than the first round.

If you tell the truth upfront… one of two things will most likely happen: 1. The relation with this person will cease to exist. 2. The person, over time, will forgive you.  You will have a stronger relationship in the longer run, because of you telling the truth upfront.

We live in a world with lies and hatred all around us… and look where we are.  If we could replace each lie and hatred with love, happiness, and truth… our world will be a much better place…

robert1ee

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. VI

When I walk into a room full of people… I feel like I am alone.

I have always felt this way.  Maybe it is my sense of humor.  Maybe it is my lack of self-esteem.  Maybe it is just a fantasy, like a dream.  However you look at it, or really however I look at it… I feel alone.

This loneliness doesn’t stop.  Ever.  Unless I am at home by myself or with someone I am falling in love with, which in those cases I am happy.  Which then makes me wonder… is my loneliness really just the fear of being alone?  I am afraid of being single? I have asked myself this question a few times.  The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is not a fear of being single… it is the fear of not being loved.

I am a very emotional person for a guy.  A few consider this as a weakness.  A few consider this as being a ‘real man’.  A few think it is a good thing until they date me and realize that I act/behave more like a female (with my emotions) than what they are use to, then back away from me.  I have never understood why people would care if a man has feelings.  Aren’t we all taught to be truthful with ourselves and others around us?  If a man never shows their true feelings… isn’t that just living a stereotypical lifestyle? Some say showing emotion shows the man as a weak person, but I ask, how does showing my true feelings change how ‘strong’ I am?

If you know me well and have never seen me emotional… think of me at a bar or out at a dance club, have you ever noticed my eyes glazed over or staring of into the abyss.  I have done this many times.  More so in the past year than most of my life.

I stand alone in a crowded room because I feel no one can feel my pain.  I stand alone in a crowded room because I feel no one can see me in pain.

To Be Continued…

robert1ee

 

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. V

 

Is it a coward to walk away… or does it show strength in knowing what to walk away from?

All my life I have tried to live by the philosophy that if someone is wanting to fight you, then they are a weak minded individual that needs this victory in their life to help them move forward without feeling weak.

I have not been in many fights in my life.  Most fights that did happen, usually involved the other person to continue to press my buttons to the point that I finally gave them the attention they were seeking.  I have always felt that if one were to walk away from the physical interaction that was taking, or about to take, place, then that person was the stronger individual.

I remember a boy in Middle School that wanted to fight every boy in our Middle School before our eighth grade year was completed.  It was about two months before the end of the school year, and he decided it was my turn to challenge.  I remember a few peers approaching me letting me know that he mentioned my name and that, right after the lunch hour, he was going to pick a fight with me.

I remember it all to well… a group of peers approached me right after lunch warning me that he was looking for me.  Then, walking out from the lunch area was the boy, and he started to head straight towards me.  He immediately pushes me and starts to intimidate me.  Calling me names and trying to get closer to me.  He takes one swing at me and hits me right in the jaw.  I immediately swung very fast and hard towards the side of this boys rib cage.  I hit him as hard as he hit me. Both of us looked at each other, almost as if, we both had wished this wasn’t about to go down, because it was going to be a mean fight. What stopped us… what saved me… was a teacher that ran out to see what the commotion was all about.  I walked off into the gym area and he went up the stairs back to the main floor of the school.

We saw each other from time to time from that day forward, but he never tried to do anything, instead, he spread the rumor around that he beat me up but I was saved by a teacher.  Instead of arguing with this rumor… i just didn’t care about it.  Figured… why take away from this boys fantasy of wanting to beat everyone up.  lol

I learned a lot from this day… I learned that your closes friends will warn you about what’s about to happen to you, but you still have to face your own battles alone when its a one on one situation.  I also learned… that no matter what happens… you have to be the stronger person, even if it is your mistake, to make the situation better.

I am definitely more a “peacekeeper” than a “warrior”.  I love everyone and I try to go out into this World wishing everyone would do the same.

-robert1ee

 

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. IV

The double life I played when I was a teen…

Every Sunday I went to church, listened to the amazing Word, and then enjoyed my time with our church’s youth group afterword.  We would help in communities throughout the East side of Indy, do charitable work, and do fun things like car washes to raise money so our youth group could continue helping the community.  I loved my church.  I loved God.  I was baptized, so I could follow in the footsteps of my Lord, and spread His Word to everyone that I meet.

Every Wednesday I would join the youth club at our school and praised God before going to my first class.  We would sing.  We would pray.  We would share stories on how we found our path to Jesus Christ.  We were a small community within a community, but we cared for one another, and we were there for one another.  I was even part of the track and field teams throughout Middle School and High School to live a healthy life… I even had perfect attendance from 4th Grade through Senior year of High School.

But the hidden truth… I didn’t follow Jesus Christ as I should had.  I didn’t try to live the life that he wanted us to.  I hadn’t found my path to Him.  I was a lost soul that was just enjoying life and doing every single dumb thing that I could do as a teen…

Outside of the church/religious crowd, I was a different person.  A scary person even.  Cursing was in daily conversations.  I listened to music that would even make Dr. Martin Luther King a mad man.  I had a group/gang that, no matter what, stood up for each other, and we had a secret code of conduct (if you will…).  I stole.  I had sexual relationships.  I smoked cigarettes.  I smoked marijuana.  I drank alcohol.  I stayed out sooooo late that you were probably getting out of bed when I was going to bed.

My life was a mess.  My life was crazy.  And… my life was starting to do the one thing that I didn’t want my life to do… merge both personalities.

Anyone that knows me now would say that I am a sweet, loving man that enjoys friendships and family.  That my life is healthy.  That I love to help others (therapeutically) , and enjoy partaking in events that help the community around me.  I am very inappropriate and borderline rude. lol.  I say, more or less, what is on my mind.  I am shy to some extent, but I am also very patient and caring.  I am a very emotional person that has been hurt with events in my life, but each and every day I try to move past these events and becoming a stronger man.

What happened between my teenager years and my younger adult life…

I was almost arrested… at a Marsh Supermarkets near 75th Street and Shadeland Ave.  The manager caught me stealing a box of condoms, that I was getting for a friend, just so I could have a blunt and a drink.  I was what they call: Young and Dumb.  That manager, even thought very happy to have caught me, did something that shocked me.  I haven’t told anyone about this… not even my parents… He talked to me.  Asked me why I was doing it? Asking me what I was going to benefit in life with my choices that I have been making?  Told me he was going to pray for me and my parents that I’ll come out of this a better man.  They say reality smacks you in the face, and it definitely did.

I had a few bumps in the road after this… but that is life.  We are all, everyday, trying to figure out how to live this life.  I still, to this day, haven’t found my “path to Jesus” nor live in His footsteps… However, I am much more behaved in the life I am living now than it was 10-15 years ago.  I do believe in God.  I do believe in Jesus Christ.  I love every person in this World, and I care for each and every person that I am introduced to…

To say that my life has been saved… may be a bit of a stretch… But to say this manager saved my life… is the truth.

To Be Continued…

robert1ee

 

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. III

Most of my middle school years through my high school years, I dated females of a different race than my own.  Yes… I did get some looks from others, as if, I was doing something morally wrong.  I learned many things from different races and cultures.  I have tried, if you will, to understand their personal struggles, as well.  Although, being the race that I am, I will never truly understand their hurdles they have to jump over, but I at least can acknowledge that those “hurdles” do, in fact, exists.

Many questioned me during this period of my life.  Many, and according to some recent conversations, felt I was a fake. A Flake. A Dick rider. A Wanna-be. Annoying… Yes, this list goes on.  What has always interested me is when a Caucasian wears urban clothing and hangs around a different race… he/she is considered a wanna-be, and when one of their own wears Caucasian brands and hangs around with Caucasians… they are considered a “sell-out”.  It confuses me why an individual should have to listen to the “rules of society”, when we are preached growing up to be ourselves.  To make our own paths.  To be different than the norm.  Why, because I’m Caucasian, should I wear only certain brands, when I felt more comfortable and felt more attractive in other brands of clothing.

To be yourself in a World that wants to hold you to a standard is, in my opinion, one of the hardest challenges   I can be whomever I want to be in this World, but I can’t be whomever I want… Gets a tad confusing right?  I grow.  I learn.  I adapt.  Just like everyone else in this World, I have learned how to be apart of the environment around me.  But the bottom line has always been… be yourself.  This is something that, today, I am still learning.  How does one be themselves when we are manipulated by the environment around us so much?  How does one truly be unique?

By no means am I trying to make this a racial topic… I am making this a personal reflection topic.  How does one be “themselves” in this World of judgement and forced upon agendas?   How does one grow up and not adapt to the environment around him/her?  For me being accused of being a “wanna-be” in high school simply because some of my closes friends were of a different race and I wore clothing that was made from a different race, to me, is jealousy on that person.  I am no more of a wanna-be than you are trying to make yourself be… Isn’t it more of a sale out to ONLY wear your races brand of clothing? Wouldn’t that be fitting into the “rules of society”? Be different and stand out… or fit in the crowd and be unseen.

I’d rather stand out…

robert1ee

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. II

Have you ever been truly in love???  I have been… once.

It all started about nine years and six months ago…

I worked as the GM Assistant Manager at a Marsh Supermarkets near Fox Road in the Geist area of Indianapolis, Indiana.  Her mom and her shopped there once a week.  I would always say “Hi” to them, and help them find things from time-to-time.  Her mother was a very wonderful person.  She always had a smile on her face, and I could tell she was a very loving woman.  Her daughter… was beautiful.  She had an amazing smile and a figure that would drive any man crazy at that age.  Age… that was the one thing that always concerned me.  I knew this daughter was younger than me, but it was really hard to tell how ‘much’ younger she really was.

A few weeks go by and I start to find friends of mine that also were friends with her.  I found out she was in HS, and that she was beginning to start her senior year. I was beginning to start my freshman year of college, so I felt relieved that she was not too much younger than I.  I also found out her name: Kristi.  Kristi… this name seemed to fit her very well.  She had amazing blue eyes, had a shy but interesting personality, and enjoyed going to after school activities (basketball and football games). The more I began to know about her, the more I started to have an interest in her.

A few weeks later, while I was at work, she stops in to get a salad.  She walked by me, smiled, and, at that moment, I knew I had to stop her and have a conversation with her.  The conversation went well.  We had a small chat that ended with me giving her my number.  I honestly didn’t expect her to call… I have always been good with talking to ladies, but getting calls from them was rare.  I got off of work that day around three or four pm, and within a few hours, my phone rang.  At that moment… I knew I found someone special.

Like every relationship… you have your ups and downs.  Mostly all the downs were because of my stupidity and selfishness, but somehow, she was still there by my side.  We went to college together, then moved in together, then I proposed to her one late evening in December of 2006.  We even set a date that same night on when we would wed.  We both wanted a Winter wedding day.  After some thinking late into this night, we decided on a December 27th, 2008 wedding date.  Everything was set.  The future looked promising.  I was in love with her and loved her.  She was, and still is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

No… this story doesn’t have a happy ending.  Not even three years later… we ended up giving up.  Less than a year after that, we ended up getting a divorce.  The reasons for us getting a divorce?  Well… I would say it was 50/50; however, I would have to say I was more at blame, so it was probably closer to 80/20.  We had issues.  We had some problems that we could not seem to get past.  I became a weak man, a weak husband, and even though I tried to stand tall… I crumbled.

Divorce has been very hard on me… I have tried to suck it up, go out with friends and family, and try to hide the truth of how much pain I was in.  I missed her, and I still do miss her.  Thoughts of other men dated her angered me.  Even though I’m the one that asked for the divorce, I felt she was still, very much, apart of me.  But she wasn’t… There was nothing I could do to win her heart back.  Our relationship was ruined because of actions that I took.  If only I was a stronger man… if only I had just listened to her problems/concerns… then maybe, maybe, we would still be together today.

To Be Continued…

-robert1ee