A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. X

“They say… we learn from mistakes,
That’s why they mistake me.”

I am a true example of a book,
that cannot be read by the cover.
First impressions mean more than you know,
but my first impressions are not what win me over.

It takes time,
Read the pages, the chapters, the lines,
Inhale them like the air you breath,
That is when I win over the minds.

My life consist of many hills,
I’ve climbed so much you’d think,
I would be in the best shape of my life.
But because of my journey,
I’ve been through situations,
That have scared me for life.

I become lonely and bored,
That, at times, I’m not sure why I’m alive,
Never had a suicide thought come to mind,
But my mind has had thoughts of suicide.

Stuck in this World…
No one can hear my screaming and shouting,
I have my fist banging on the wall,
But the noise doesn’t amount to nothing
To get the attention I’m trying to seek
The warnings I’m giving must be weak.

I need to become tough,
How’d I even become this way?
Mind is being challenged,
Can I get out of this place?

At times, I feel my BS is catching up to me,
Maybe I should just tell the truth,
Tell the people how I really am,
Tell the people how I really feel,

Make a blog that spills my guts.
In a World full of fear…,
Truth is what I’d rather live,
Than run from the fear.

Life IS as cracked up as it is to be,
Life full of smiles,
Is a life that will last for miles,
I don’t need to worry about filling up,
Cause when “life” runs out,
That’ll be my time to be called back “up”.

So while I’m still on this planet,
My goal is to not take it for granted…
I’m going to make each step amount,
Make each moment count…

Or what is the point in the first place…

 

To Be Continued…

robert1ee

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. VI

When I walk into a room full of people… I feel like I am alone.

I have always felt this way.  Maybe it is my sense of humor.  Maybe it is my lack of self-esteem.  Maybe it is just a fantasy, like a dream.  However you look at it, or really however I look at it… I feel alone.

This loneliness doesn’t stop.  Ever.  Unless I am at home by myself or with someone I am falling in love with, which in those cases I am happy.  Which then makes me wonder… is my loneliness really just the fear of being alone?  I am afraid of being single? I have asked myself this question a few times.  The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is not a fear of being single… it is the fear of not being loved.

I am a very emotional person for a guy.  A few consider this as a weakness.  A few consider this as being a ‘real man’.  A few think it is a good thing until they date me and realize that I act/behave more like a female (with my emotions) than what they are use to, then back away from me.  I have never understood why people would care if a man has feelings.  Aren’t we all taught to be truthful with ourselves and others around us?  If a man never shows their true feelings… isn’t that just living a stereotypical lifestyle? Some say showing emotion shows the man as a weak person, but I ask, how does showing my true feelings change how ‘strong’ I am?

If you know me well and have never seen me emotional… think of me at a bar or out at a dance club, have you ever noticed my eyes glazed over or staring of into the abyss.  I have done this many times.  More so in the past year than most of my life.

I stand alone in a crowded room because I feel no one can feel my pain.  I stand alone in a crowded room because I feel no one can see me in pain.

To Be Continued…

robert1ee

 

More Lonely Than Before…

Know Your Worth

Does waking up to someone in bed every morning make you happy? What if it is someone different every time… Or rather… does having meaningless relationships make you happy? Or would you rather just have someone to call upon when you are lonely…

It’s sad… but when one truly looks at the situation… you can see both parties are just being used. But why? Why? How does this work? How, possibly, in the back of your mind, can you believe that you are doing something good for your feelings/heart when you don’t even love what you are doing?

It makes me wonder… Why do it in the first place then? What is the point in these meaningless relationships… Is it to just make you happy? Is it to satisfy your sexual cravings? Is it to making you feel less lonely… when in actuality, it makes you feel even more so???

Maybe I’m approaching this to sensitive… I mean… it’s just fucking right? Right? What is wrong with sex being just sex? Why does there always have to be feelings involved? Emotions involved? Why can’t just two people get together and just enjoy something wonderful…

That last paragraph is something I’ll never know the answer to.  I’ll never understand how one could eventually allow themselves to have sex ONLY because they feel lonely or needed.  And to do it with someone that doesn’t care about you or your feelings, but to only satisfy their own loneliness or neediness.

I am a man.  I am sensitive.  I do care about who I have sex with.  I don’t want meaningless relationships.  I do love.  I do fall in love.  I do care about other’s emotions.  Call me what you want… but this, my dear friends, is what is missing.  This, my dear friends, is why relationships of this sort I have talked about above… will never work.  Cause without emotions, without caring, WITHOUT… love… this is just lust.

And lust, to me, is a desease that the mind makes up just to make you feel less lonely.  Lust… hurts the soul and cripples the body… and will never… truly… make one happy.

-The Other Point Of View