Hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween!
When I walk into a room full of people… I feel like I am alone.
I have always felt this way. Maybe it is my sense of humor. Maybe it is my lack of self-esteem. Maybe it is just a fantasy, like a dream. However you look at it, or really however I look at it… I feel alone.
This loneliness doesn’t stop. Ever. Unless I am at home by myself or with someone I am falling in love with, which in those cases I am happy. Which then makes me wonder… is my loneliness really just the fear of being alone? I am afraid of being single? I have asked myself this question a few times. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is not a fear of being single… it is the fear of not being loved.
I am a very emotional person for a guy. A few consider this as a weakness. A few consider this as being a ‘real man’. A few think it is a good thing until they date me and realize that I act/behave more like a female (with my emotions) than what they are use to, then back away from me. I have never understood why people would care if a man has feelings. Aren’t we all taught to be truthful with ourselves and others around us? If a man never shows their true feelings… isn’t that just living a stereotypical lifestyle? Some say showing emotion shows the man as a weak person, but I ask, how does showing my true feelings change how ‘strong’ I am?
If you know me well and have never seen me emotional… think of me at a bar or out at a dance club, have you ever noticed my eyes glazed over or staring of into the abyss. I have done this many times. More so in the past year than most of my life.
I stand alone in a crowded room because I feel no one can feel my pain. I stand alone in a crowded room because I feel no one can see me in pain.
To Be Continued…
The above link is a blog that displays the devastating eventful night of the SuperStorm Sandy by NYTimes.com.
Some amazing, yet scary, pictures of Hurricane Sandy!
Is it a coward to walk away… or does it show strength in knowing what to walk away from?
All my life I have tried to live by the philosophy that if someone is wanting to fight you, then they are a weak minded individual that needs this victory in their life to help them move forward without feeling weak.
I have not been in many fights in my life. Most fights that did happen, usually involved the other person to continue to press my buttons to the point that I finally gave them the attention they were seeking. I have always felt that if one were to walk away from the physical interaction that was taking, or about to take, place, then that person was the stronger individual.
I remember a boy in Middle School that wanted to fight every boy in our Middle School before our eighth grade year was completed. It was about two months before the end of the school year, and he decided it was my turn to challenge. I remember a few peers approaching me letting me know that he mentioned my name and that, right after the lunch hour, he was going to pick a fight with me.
I remember it all to well… a group of peers approached me right after lunch warning me that he was looking for me. Then, walking out from the lunch area was the boy, and he started to head straight towards me. He immediately pushes me and starts to intimidate me. Calling me names and trying to get closer to me. He takes one swing at me and hits me right in the jaw. I immediately swung very fast and hard towards the side of this boys rib cage. I hit him as hard as he hit me. Both of us looked at each other, almost as if, we both had wished this wasn’t about to go down, because it was going to be a mean fight. What stopped us… what saved me… was a teacher that ran out to see what the commotion was all about. I walked off into the gym area and he went up the stairs back to the main floor of the school.
We saw each other from time to time from that day forward, but he never tried to do anything, instead, he spread the rumor around that he beat me up but I was saved by a teacher. Instead of arguing with this rumor… i just didn’t care about it. Figured… why take away from this boys fantasy of wanting to beat everyone up. lol
I learned a lot from this day… I learned that your closes friends will warn you about what’s about to happen to you, but you still have to face your own battles alone when its a one on one situation. I also learned… that no matter what happens… you have to be the stronger person, even if it is your mistake, to make the situation better.
I am definitely more a “peacekeeper” than a “warrior”. I love everyone and I try to go out into this World wishing everyone would do the same.
Don’t live a life hiding behind a mask…
Don’t live a life hiding yourself from the World…
The double life I played when I was a teen…
Every Sunday I went to church, listened to the amazing Word, and then enjoyed my time with our church’s youth group afterword. We would help in communities throughout the East side of Indy, do charitable work, and do fun things like car washes to raise money so our youth group could continue helping the community. I loved my church. I loved God. I was baptized, so I could follow in the footsteps of my Lord, and spread His Word to everyone that I meet.
Every Wednesday I would join the youth club at our school and praised God before going to my first class. We would sing. We would pray. We would share stories on how we found our path to Jesus Christ. We were a small community within a community, but we cared for one another, and we were there for one another. I was even part of the track and field teams throughout Middle School and High School to live a healthy life… I even had perfect attendance from 4th Grade through Senior year of High School.
But the hidden truth… I didn’t follow Jesus Christ as I should had. I didn’t try to live the life that he wanted us to. I hadn’t found my path to Him. I was a lost soul that was just enjoying life and doing every single dumb thing that I could do as a teen…
Outside of the church/religious crowd, I was a different person. A scary person even. Cursing was in daily conversations. I listened to music that would even make Dr. Martin Luther King a mad man. I had a group/gang that, no matter what, stood up for each other, and we had a secret code of conduct (if you will…). I stole. I had sexual relationships. I smoked cigarettes. I smoked marijuana. I drank alcohol. I stayed out sooooo late that you were probably getting out of bed when I was going to bed.
My life was a mess. My life was crazy. And… my life was starting to do the one thing that I didn’t want my life to do… merge both personalities.
Anyone that knows me now would say that I am a sweet, loving man that enjoys friendships and family. That my life is healthy. That I love to help others (therapeutically) , and enjoy partaking in events that help the community around me. I am very inappropriate and borderline rude. lol. I say, more or less, what is on my mind. I am shy to some extent, but I am also very patient and caring. I am a very emotional person that has been hurt with events in my life, but each and every day I try to move past these events and becoming a stronger man.
What happened between my teenager years and my younger adult life…
I was almost arrested… at a Marsh Supermarkets near 75th Street and Shadeland Ave. The manager caught me stealing a box of condoms, that I was getting for a friend, just so I could have a blunt and a drink. I was what they call: Young and Dumb. That manager, even thought very happy to have caught me, did something that shocked me. I haven’t told anyone about this… not even my parents… He talked to me. Asked me why I was doing it? Asking me what I was going to benefit in life with my choices that I have been making? Told me he was going to pray for me and my parents that I’ll come out of this a better man. They say reality smacks you in the face, and it definitely did.
I had a few bumps in the road after this… but that is life. We are all, everyday, trying to figure out how to live this life. I still, to this day, haven’t found my “path to Jesus” nor live in His footsteps… However, I am much more behaved in the life I am living now than it was 10-15 years ago. I do believe in God. I do believe in Jesus Christ. I love every person in this World, and I care for each and every person that I am introduced to…
To say that my life has been saved… may be a bit of a stretch… But to say this manager saved my life… is the truth.
To Be Continued…