A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. IV

The double life I played when I was a teen…

Every Sunday I went to church, listened to the amazing Word, and then enjoyed my time with our church’s youth group afterword.  We would help in communities throughout the East side of Indy, do charitable work, and do fun things like car washes to raise money so our youth group could continue helping the community.  I loved my church.  I loved God.  I was baptized, so I could follow in the footsteps of my Lord, and spread His Word to everyone that I meet.

Every Wednesday I would join the youth club at our school and praised God before going to my first class.  We would sing.  We would pray.  We would share stories on how we found our path to Jesus Christ.  We were a small community within a community, but we cared for one another, and we were there for one another.  I was even part of the track and field teams throughout Middle School and High School to live a healthy life… I even had perfect attendance from 4th Grade through Senior year of High School.

But the hidden truth… I didn’t follow Jesus Christ as I should had.  I didn’t try to live the life that he wanted us to.  I hadn’t found my path to Him.  I was a lost soul that was just enjoying life and doing every single dumb thing that I could do as a teen…

Outside of the church/religious crowd, I was a different person.  A scary person even.  Cursing was in daily conversations.  I listened to music that would even make Dr. Martin Luther King a mad man.  I had a group/gang that, no matter what, stood up for each other, and we had a secret code of conduct (if you will…).  I stole.  I had sexual relationships.  I smoked cigarettes.  I smoked marijuana.  I drank alcohol.  I stayed out sooooo late that you were probably getting out of bed when I was going to bed.

My life was a mess.  My life was crazy.  And… my life was starting to do the one thing that I didn’t want my life to do… merge both personalities.

Anyone that knows me now would say that I am a sweet, loving man that enjoys friendships and family.  That my life is healthy.  That I love to help others (therapeutically) , and enjoy partaking in events that help the community around me.  I am very inappropriate and borderline rude. lol.  I say, more or less, what is on my mind.  I am shy to some extent, but I am also very patient and caring.  I am a very emotional person that has been hurt with events in my life, but each and every day I try to move past these events and becoming a stronger man.

What happened between my teenager years and my younger adult life…

I was almost arrested… at a Marsh Supermarkets near 75th Street and Shadeland Ave.  The manager caught me stealing a box of condoms, that I was getting for a friend, just so I could have a blunt and a drink.  I was what they call: Young and Dumb.  That manager, even thought very happy to have caught me, did something that shocked me.  I haven’t told anyone about this… not even my parents… He talked to me.  Asked me why I was doing it? Asking me what I was going to benefit in life with my choices that I have been making?  Told me he was going to pray for me and my parents that I’ll come out of this a better man.  They say reality smacks you in the face, and it definitely did.

I had a few bumps in the road after this… but that is life.  We are all, everyday, trying to figure out how to live this life.  I still, to this day, haven’t found my “path to Jesus” nor live in His footsteps… However, I am much more behaved in the life I am living now than it was 10-15 years ago.  I do believe in God.  I do believe in Jesus Christ.  I love every person in this World, and I care for each and every person that I am introduced to…

To say that my life has been saved… may be a bit of a stretch… But to say this manager saved my life… is the truth.

To Be Continued…

robert1ee

 

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. III

Most of my middle school years through my high school years, I dated females of a different race than my own.  Yes… I did get some looks from others, as if, I was doing something morally wrong.  I learned many things from different races and cultures.  I have tried, if you will, to understand their personal struggles, as well.  Although, being the race that I am, I will never truly understand their hurdles they have to jump over, but I at least can acknowledge that those “hurdles” do, in fact, exists.

Many questioned me during this period of my life.  Many, and according to some recent conversations, felt I was a fake. A Flake. A Dick rider. A Wanna-be. Annoying… Yes, this list goes on.  What has always interested me is when a Caucasian wears urban clothing and hangs around a different race… he/she is considered a wanna-be, and when one of their own wears Caucasian brands and hangs around with Caucasians… they are considered a “sell-out”.  It confuses me why an individual should have to listen to the “rules of society”, when we are preached growing up to be ourselves.  To make our own paths.  To be different than the norm.  Why, because I’m Caucasian, should I wear only certain brands, when I felt more comfortable and felt more attractive in other brands of clothing.

To be yourself in a World that wants to hold you to a standard is, in my opinion, one of the hardest challenges   I can be whomever I want to be in this World, but I can’t be whomever I want… Gets a tad confusing right?  I grow.  I learn.  I adapt.  Just like everyone else in this World, I have learned how to be apart of the environment around me.  But the bottom line has always been… be yourself.  This is something that, today, I am still learning.  How does one be themselves when we are manipulated by the environment around us so much?  How does one truly be unique?

By no means am I trying to make this a racial topic… I am making this a personal reflection topic.  How does one be “themselves” in this World of judgement and forced upon agendas?   How does one grow up and not adapt to the environment around him/her?  For me being accused of being a “wanna-be” in high school simply because some of my closes friends were of a different race and I wore clothing that was made from a different race, to me, is jealousy on that person.  I am no more of a wanna-be than you are trying to make yourself be… Isn’t it more of a sale out to ONLY wear your races brand of clothing? Wouldn’t that be fitting into the “rules of society”? Be different and stand out… or fit in the crowd and be unseen.

I’d rather stand out…

robert1ee

A Glimpse Into My Life… Pt. II

Have you ever been truly in love???  I have been… once.

It all started about nine years and six months ago…

I worked as the GM Assistant Manager at a Marsh Supermarkets near Fox Road in the Geist area of Indianapolis, Indiana.  Her mom and her shopped there once a week.  I would always say “Hi” to them, and help them find things from time-to-time.  Her mother was a very wonderful person.  She always had a smile on her face, and I could tell she was a very loving woman.  Her daughter… was beautiful.  She had an amazing smile and a figure that would drive any man crazy at that age.  Age… that was the one thing that always concerned me.  I knew this daughter was younger than me, but it was really hard to tell how ‘much’ younger she really was.

A few weeks go by and I start to find friends of mine that also were friends with her.  I found out she was in HS, and that she was beginning to start her senior year. I was beginning to start my freshman year of college, so I felt relieved that she was not too much younger than I.  I also found out her name: Kristi.  Kristi… this name seemed to fit her very well.  She had amazing blue eyes, had a shy but interesting personality, and enjoyed going to after school activities (basketball and football games). The more I began to know about her, the more I started to have an interest in her.

A few weeks later, while I was at work, she stops in to get a salad.  She walked by me, smiled, and, at that moment, I knew I had to stop her and have a conversation with her.  The conversation went well.  We had a small chat that ended with me giving her my number.  I honestly didn’t expect her to call… I have always been good with talking to ladies, but getting calls from them was rare.  I got off of work that day around three or four pm, and within a few hours, my phone rang.  At that moment… I knew I found someone special.

Like every relationship… you have your ups and downs.  Mostly all the downs were because of my stupidity and selfishness, but somehow, she was still there by my side.  We went to college together, then moved in together, then I proposed to her one late evening in December of 2006.  We even set a date that same night on when we would wed.  We both wanted a Winter wedding day.  After some thinking late into this night, we decided on a December 27th, 2008 wedding date.  Everything was set.  The future looked promising.  I was in love with her and loved her.  She was, and still is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

No… this story doesn’t have a happy ending.  Not even three years later… we ended up giving up.  Less than a year after that, we ended up getting a divorce.  The reasons for us getting a divorce?  Well… I would say it was 50/50; however, I would have to say I was more at blame, so it was probably closer to 80/20.  We had issues.  We had some problems that we could not seem to get past.  I became a weak man, a weak husband, and even though I tried to stand tall… I crumbled.

Divorce has been very hard on me… I have tried to suck it up, go out with friends and family, and try to hide the truth of how much pain I was in.  I missed her, and I still do miss her.  Thoughts of other men dated her angered me.  Even though I’m the one that asked for the divorce, I felt she was still, very much, apart of me.  But she wasn’t… There was nothing I could do to win her heart back.  Our relationship was ruined because of actions that I took.  If only I was a stronger man… if only I had just listened to her problems/concerns… then maybe, maybe, we would still be together today.

To Be Continued…

-robert1ee

A Glimpse Into My Life…

I usually don’t share this side of me…

By Definition… Loneliness is the state of being alone in solitary isolation.

Eight months ago I asked for a divorce from a marriage that lost its focus on what the two of us were in it for… So for the past eight months I have been in and out of this state of being multiple times.  I have good friendships that have helped me along the way.  I have met amazing new people that has helped me keep my head high… Yet, at times, I still feel like I’m climbing this very steep hill all by myself without a rope.

Living alone, at the time, seemed like an awesome idea.  However, as the days turned night and nights turned day… this is just adding to my loneliness.  I try new activities… like this blog for example, to allow me to connect, and at the same time, share my sense of humor.  But one can only hide this feeling for so long…

Its amazing what a companion can bring… But yet, finding her has been the hardest task out of all of this… mainly for the main reason, the divorce is not finalized yet.  For the other reasons… they remain to be unknown.  I know time will heal everything and everything happens for a reason, but this is a hard pill to swallow.

Each and every morning I awake with a smile on my face ready to tackle a new day… and each and every night I go to sleep ready to get to the next morning… Hoping, one day, I’ll open my eyes, and not need to dream any more… cause you will be my dream.

“I’m going to smile like nothings wrong. Talk like everyrthings perfect and act like it’s all a dream and pretend its not hurting me.” -Unknown

This quote has summed me up perfectly for just about my entire life.  Everyone that knows me, knows the happy me.  The one that is alway smiling.  The one that everyone gets along with and is very entertaining.  Very rarely does anyone get to see this deeper side of me.

As I continue to climb this hill… I will not look back and say “What if?”… but continue looking forward and say… Why Not? (with a smile)

-The Other Point of View